Decisions.
Mistakes.
Tears.
Stubbornness.
Memories.
Forgiveness.
I live in the midst of it all, as a redeemed one, as a still-sinner. Snatches of song drift through my head, more CCM than hymns, although maybe someday they will be hymns too.
Sorrow is a lonely feeling
Unsettled is a painful place
[Between You and Me -- dc Talk]
and
I dunno what I was thinking when I just pressed SEND
[Your Love is Better Than Life -- Newsboys]
And I am eager to justify myself, to blame something else -- if only I wasn't such a quick typist (ha, as if it were my fingers' fault!), they'll understand, it wasn't that bad.
Some of those reasons have some merit.
I was rude, but not inexcusably so. And there certainly are different guidelines of courtesy in different relationships and different circumstances, and perhaps what I said this time do not fall entirely outside of those.
Cold is the night
But colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay
And if you follow me, you'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey
[Fade to Grey, Jars of Clay]
What hurts most, I suppose, is the knowing that there is still part of me perfectly willing to lash out where I know there will be no retaliation, when someone stronger is willing to take it. Because that is ugly in me.
In the quiet
I lament
Every nail my sin did buy
And I wonder
Why You spent
Lavish blood on such as I...
[Praises, Newsboys]
And then I am faced with options. Do I bother to apologize, knowing that the response will be something like, "It's okay?" (Haven't I offered the same response?)
Or do my lamentations lead me to wonder at that He did spend lavish blood on me, and shall that wonder turn to praise which will overflow into all of my life...
And lead to more grace...
Certainly not is there a desire to sin more that grace may increase more. But Lewis' words in The Four Loves have been percolating through my mind, and drip gently on my heart.
For this tangled absurdity of a Need, even a Need-love, which never fully acknowledges its own neediness, Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delighted acceptance of our Need, a joy in total dependence. We become "jolly beggars." The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his Need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh Need they have produced. And he is not sorry at all for the innocent Need that is inherent in his creaturely condition.
In reality we all need at times, some of us at most times, that Charity from others which, being Love Himself in them, loves the unlovable. But this, though a sort of love we need, is not the sort we want. We want to be loved for our cleverness, beauty, generosity, fairness, usefulness. The first sign that anyone is offering us the highest love of all is a terrible shock. This is so well recognised that spiteful people will pretend to be loving us with Charity precisely because they know that it will wound us... But the thing would not be falsely said in order to wound unless, if it were true, it would be wounding.
And other song-bits dance in:
A taste
Of grace
Is all it takes
A morsel of the Maker
Face to face
The bitter heart breaks
And salt pours from the shaker
[Taste of Grace, Michael Kelly Blanchard]
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
...frail
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
[Frail, Jars of Clay]
it is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plans;
alas they have no root, the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end
[Matthias Replaces Judas, Showbread]
And a prayer, with words echoing Lifehouse's Make Me Over
Wrap my arms around your name
Feel your breath against my pain
As i breathe out
The past is gone
Empty smile
Naked heart
Who I was, falls apart
When you're here
Inside of me
Feel till your numb
Depth perception becoming
The new deaf and dumb
I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
In your mind
Changing myself, just to stand alone in your eyes
In your eyes
Pull me in, take me out, make me over
Read the wave, ride your fears
In this ocean of years
We've been here
Swiming on
Take me deep, till I find
Every corner of your mind
We've been here
Swiming on
Touch, till you taste
All the time
We are wasting alone
Waiting here
I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
In your mind
Changing myself, just to stand alone in your eyes
In your eyes
Pull me in, take me out,
make me over, and shout me out loud,
Shout me out loud
I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
In your mind
Changing myself, just to stand alone in your eyes
In your eyes
I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
In your mind
Pull me in, take me out, make me over
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