Day Before Moving

I had a list of things I wanted to post about, but my ipod seems to have eaten that list.  I think I should forgive it -- it serves quite faithfully, all things considered.

So here I am, posting about something else entirely.

Like how I'm getting ready to move tomorrow.  I've been sad about it all week, despite the fact that I'm crazily excited about where I'm moving to.  (I've missed living in a university town.)  Saying goodbyes are rough, and yanking up roots and starting somewhere new is also hard.

But it's been a good year, and I'm grateful for it.

compilation from Thanksgiving

Here's a few random highlights.

Being around awesome people who helped me get through the transitioning from China-to-America thing.  Which means putting up with a lot of me reminiscing, ignoring them to talk to people on qq, and generally being slow about how life in America works.

my "little" brother Ib 

Travel.  Lots of trips to PA, a vacation with my family in Virginia, meeting friends old and new in Indiana, a reunion in Chicago, a museum in Kentucky, two trips to Canada, and a bunch of exploration in Ohio.

tools in the gunsmith shop in CW

Story crafting.  Spending a year living in an apartment with one of my best writing buddies means that we talked a lot about story worlds and hammered out countless small details that have granted a lot of richness to everything being imagined.

Deer in the yard next door.  Because really, who expects to live in an apartment and get to see deer grow up and come back with new babies the next summer?

Friends.  Working at Panera was, by turns, stretching and boring, but I had some fun coworkers and a lot of good memories with them.  I had a fantastic bus driver at 5:23 am and a good church and other people who I got to know a little, customers, and clerks at ALDI and my friend Richard, the prayer warrior.  There were lots of unexpected friendships and chances to catch up with old friends, too.

Mel... squishing an owl so we could send a picture to Hilary

Turning laundry purple.  Just one more of the hazards of me doing laundry.  And having a shirt that was wayyyyy over-dyed.  And having the laundry machine decide to fill with boiling water and refuse to drain.  Good times.

The sky.  The sunrises, sunsets, and everything in between out here are gorgeous.

pick any given day, the show is always open and there's lots of room to spare

trick is to give away the thing you're always doing that keeps you stuck somewhere

{Glory Streams, Michael Kelly Blanchard}

Incredible food.  Okay, so there were a few *cough* meals that were not so great.  Some because they were just blehhh and some because I got a little carried away with the spices and they were sort of inedible.  Kinda like the time in China when Bridge and I made curry and quadrupled how much curry paste we put in.  But overall, with a long, cold winter and a kitchen for me to play in, I had a lot of fun experimenting and making meals.

we got pretty good at jiaozi.  and satay.  and butter chicken with naan.

Beautiful parks.  The metroparks around here are a huuuuge perk to living in this area.  They're like playgrounds for adults, if rock hopping and hiking is your cup of tea.

from the Creation Museum

Good libraries.  Both the official libraries and getting to raid my roommate's impressive collection of books.

then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee

how great Thou art

how great Thou art

God has been very good to me throughout this past year.  And although I'm sad to say goodbye to what has become familiar, I'm anticipating seeing His goodness in the year to come.

Tagged by the Sunshine Award

Well, it has been a while.

But my friend Ria Faith has tagged me to answer a few questions!

So here goes.



The rules:
1. Give 5 facts about yourself. 
2. Nominate 5 other bloggers
3. Answer the blogger's questions
4. Display the sunshine banner! 

The five facts:
1)  I enjoy turbulence on airplanes.  (Incidentally, this means I'm a very bad person to fly with if you don't like it.)
2)  In college I was part of a re-enactment/swordfighting group, Dagorhir.  (This is important.  Just ask my China teammates.)
3)  I love deciduous trees.  (Does the fact that I've decided to embrace that make me a tree-hugger?)
4)  My worst grade in college was in my taiji class.  (It's still a sore subject.)
5)  Since graduating high school a little over six years ago, I've lived in 8-12 different spots, depending on how you count.

The answers:

1) Name one big thing you'd like to accomplish before you die.
Finish. writing. Eon.  This story that I started in high school turned into a massive project during college and has been alternately exasperating, intriguing, and consuming.  I'd love to get it to the point that I can say, "Here's the story."

2)  Who's your favorite actor/actress?
Benedict Cumberbatch probably qualifies as my favorite, given the fact that I watched Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy for him.

3)  What's your favorite type of music?
Whatever's on my most-played list.  ;-)  I'm not sure my favorite is any particular genre, but I tend to like more acoustic music with lyrics that tell a story.  I love the music of Josh Garrels, Mumford & Sons, and Jars of Clay.

4)  What's your favorite color?
Orange, of course.

5)  Are you a woodsy person or a city person?
Three years ago I would have told you that I hated cities.  Now, having lived in two pretty large ones in China, I know that is not true.  I enjoy living in cities and I love being in the woods.  I hate suburban sprawl.

The nominations:
1) CarpeBanana
2) Boots and Blossoms
3) these
4) could be
5) you!

Haha.  I guess I'm not much for nominations.

But here are my questions.

1) What's one thing that you learned in the past year that made you really pleased?
2) What's a quote or two that you want to define your life?
3) What is something you ask God?
4) If you could spend a week asking someone any questions that you wanted to, who would it be?  (Choose a human.  :-P)
5) What is a book that has been surprisingly influential in your life?

When Strangers are Kind

It was pouring.

(photo credit to Ben Rumeau)

Such that by the time I crossed the three (small) parking lots between Panera and Aldi, my shoes were soggy and squeaking and my pants were drenched well above my knees.  I went past all of the people who were watching the rain pound down from the shelter of the overhang and zipped through the aisles to grab my two bags of oranges and two bags of carrots and hamburger buns.  (See?  I did buy something that wasn't orange!)

I checked out, loaded up my trusty backpack, and still had about twenty minutes before my bus was due.  I may be willing to wade through a embryonic flood zone to get groceries, but I'm not quite so masochistic to want to stand in chilly rain for twenty minutes waiting for a bus.  Particularly when it's the type of rain that seems to be determined to ignore my umbrella and soak me anyway.  So I took a seat on the bagging counter.  (Don't judge me too harshly.  Several other people were doing the same thing.)  I remembered that I still had half of a sandwich and pulled it out to finish it in the dry store before venturing back outside.

As I sat there, munching my sandwich and listening to the pounding rain, one of the cashiers came out of their break room.  Over the past year, I've gotten to semi-know a few of the cashiers, since I'm in Aldi a few times a week.  We said hi and discussed the crazy cloudburst and she asked if I was walking home or what, since I was obviously waiting.  When I said I was taking the bus, she asked where I lived.

The lady (mid-60's?) who was at the counter next to me, bagging her groceries, looked up when I said and asked where exactly, so I told her which apartments.

After a moment, she said, "Oh, I'm going to the bank on the corner up there anyway-- if you'd like a ride with me, you're more than welcome."

Let's pause to consider this offer and how I answered.  My options:

1) Wait in Aldi till the rain stopped and then catch the next bus.  Since that was anyone's guess, there was no way I was planning to just chill there.

2)  Go outside and wait for the bus and get more drenched.  Hope that the bus came more or less on time.  Ride the bus, get off at the bank, and then walk back to the apartment.

3)  Ride with this lady, maybe have an interesting conversation, and walk back from the bank.

Any guesses?

Of course I chose option 3.

As she started driving, we made small talk.  She told me what town she lived in and I admitted that I had no idea where that was, I've only lived here for a year.  Yeah, I moved here.... from China.

Very interesting, she said, and I could hear wheels spinning in her head.  But you're not from China originally...? she asked after a minute.

So then we talked about Pennsylvania and it turns out that her husband went to college there and knows a lot of people in the town where I went to college.  We chatted about teaching because she was a teacher too and about what she's keeping busy with now in retirement.  She asked me again where I live and I told her, and she started telling me about a woman who her church is helping who lives right around there.  The conversation spun around to persecution in the Middle East and I wondered how it got there, why it got there.

I hadn't mentioned that I'm a Christian.  I said I was teaching English in China.  I had said where I went to college, so maybe she knew it's a Christian school.  I'm also wearing a star of David necklace, so maybe that was a clue?  But I'm not sure.

We talked about world events, about the role of US in international politics... and then we were to my apartment.

"My name's Joyce," she told me as I get ready to hop out of the car with my backpack.

"I'm Hannah," I told her, and thanked her again.

As I walked off and she pulled away, my heart was singing.  It makes me so happy when people are kind, and it makes me even happier when I find Christians being kind to strangers.

Years ago, my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be --" she always called me Elwood -- "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well for years I was smart.  I recommend pleasant.  You may quote me.{Jimmy Stewart in Harvey}

Isn't it funny how God doesn't say that the world will know us by our intelligence?  By how smart we are, how quickly we can respond with witty comebacks that will make everyone laugh, by how many facts we know?

Instead it's by our love.  How we love one another, how we reach out to others in loving ways that simply don't make sense.

Like being kind enough to take the drenched stranger in Aldi home.

Unexpected Opportunities for Ministry

What comes to mind when you think of ministry?

To give you fair warning, I considered titling this post "I do not think that word means what I think it means."

August 2012

I sat in a large room in a hotel in Beijing with my fellow students/teachers-in-training, listening to Amy warn us about ministry.

shenanigans while waiting for class to start

Whoever you think you're here to minister to, whatever you think your ministry will look like -- you're wrong! she told us.  And because she's Amy, she told us stories that illustrated her point.

She had come to China to minister to students -- and ended up with bacterial meningitis, being ministered to by these same students.

Another year, a team of younger teachers came to visit her team every weekend.  She hadn't gone to China to mentor them!  But they kept showing up.  She laughed as she told this story, because one of those "younger teachers" had gone on to become director of the program that all of us new teachers were in.

July 2014

My mom texted me that a guy from their church had invited himself over for a birthday party (which my family was going to be throwing for him, obviously.)  I think this was a pretty wise choice on his part (my family does have a history of doing birthday parties well; over the years there have been themes from Barbie to Pilgrim's Progress to Mud to Olympics to Pirate to Umbrella.

And it made me think again about Amy's words: that ministry does not look like what you expect it to.

This has certainly been true in my family.  My parents planned to adopt before they were married, but they didn't plan for our home to become an outreach-to-social-workers center.  They made the plans to homeschool us, but they didn't know that two of us would spend months overseas, pouring into the lives of people who they had never gotten to meet.

one joy of having a huge, crazy family 

is seeing how we get to minister together 

to a wide range of people

There are so many things that we don't know, yet it's so easy to dream up expectations.  When I move to a new place, start a new job, make a new friend, I immediately being imagining possibilities.  More often than not, I'm wrong.

part of my team's ministry in China was to another North American family.

not what any of us expected, but a huge blessing to all of us!

And for that, I am grateful.  God's plans of how to use me, to use my life, are far better and more consequential and more exciting than my own.

I've found it to be a helpful premise to keep in mind when life throws curveballs -- when people ask questions that I wasn't expecting, when people ask for things that I wasn't planning to give, when I get to know people who I didn't think that I would.  Ministry does not look like what I expect it to.

no one expected a lasting friendship to grow out of a few hours together.

Here's what Proverbs 16:9 has to say:

The heart of man plans his way,but Yahweh establishes his steps.

And here's one of my favorite verses for guiding how to live in a way to seize opportunities for ministry, even when they are unexpected.

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,when it is in your power to do it.(Proverbs 3:27)

As God has been so generous in not withholding good from us, even when we were His enemies, shouldn't we imitate Him?

Thoughts about Loving

It was early morning and I was setting up the food line at Panera, listening to a few last songs on my mp3 player as I woke up, before we opened the doors to customers.  Scraps of thoughts floated through my head.

Did I see music in here by a group called Everyone You Love Will Be Happy in the End?  (It's actually "Soon" not "in the End," and an album, not a group.  Oh well.)

That's kind of creepy.

What if it was true though?  What if I really was sure that everyone who I loved would be happy in the end?  Would know and love God?

That would be awesome.

But maybe then I'd just be lazy and be like, cool, well, everything will work out fine.

Or.

Or maybe....

I'd try to love everyone.

To really love them.

And that thought has been haunting me a bit ever since.  Because I love many people, but there are many who I don't really love.

And they are all image-bearers.

And I long to love better.

The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers.  Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. [1 Peter 4: 7-8]

Images

I take a lot more pictures since I got an ipod touch.  It's easy to pull it out of my pocket and snap a shot. They aren't the best quality, but I like the assortment that accumulates over time; little pieces of my days that give a feel of how they go and what's important to me.

So here are a few.

Spices.  I love how the colors and textures blend even before we get to the taste and smells!

This.  Cracked me up.  I had to send it to some friends, reminiscing about the time we found opium scented candles in China.  

Wedding cake after David and Alexandra said their vows!

So.... mayyyyybe my sister Abbie knows me pretty well.  She brought this lovely glass clock back for me from Italy.  Please note: colorful.  Deciduous tree.  WIN.

Living somewhere flatter than PA leads to getting to see a lot of awesome skyscapes.  

Like mayyyyybe it's actually worth getting up before 5 to go to work so I get to see this sort of thing.

Also, I have awesome friends.  I asked for a quiz book... and I received.

So learning how to do henna-type doodling has been vaguely on my to-do list for a while now.  Sunday I realized that my shirt had designs on it, handy for the copying and playing with.

Why I Hesitate

"What do you think about adoption?"

I started getting this question when I was in college.  It made sense; I was getting to the age that I had friends thinking about starting their own families, and anyone who knew my family (at all) knew that I had plenty of experience with adoptions.

What?  You don't think that we get mistaken for each other all the time?

I love my siblings way more than I have words to say.  Sometimes when I think about them I'm overcome with the thought that they could have so easily not been my siblings.  That I could have not known them.  (Which, I guess, is true of any human, more or less, but you catch my drift.)  They are such an integral part of me that I'm really not sure who I'd be like without them.  We really are our own tiny subculture, complete with one word jokes that can lead to minutes of laughter.  (Souffle?)

But I hesitate when I get questioned what I think about adoption.

Because there isn't an easy answer.

There is always a but involved.

It's wonderful.

I love adoption.

I think adoption shows the heart of God.  I believe it teaches us how to better understand God's love for us and is obedient to His will that we care for those who can't take care of themselves.

But.

But.

The thing any decision that you make is that you don't know what consequences will come of it.  Adoption has wonderful consequences.

It can also have effects that will hurt and hurt for years to come.

You don't know.

In some ways, it's the same as any other decision for a Christian.  You should seek to obey God, knowing that it will likely be difficult, knowing that He is going to use your obedience for His glory and your eternal good.

When people ask me about adoption, I want to tell them to count the cost.  There's a financial cost, the sacrificial costs that come with parenting, but there are other possible costs that don't get talked about a lot, maybe because they are so hard to understand until you've lived through them.

There are times when you love as much as you possibly can in every way that you possibly can and it isn't enough.

There are things that will never fix to being "normal."

I know this.

When my coworkers joking ask how I stay so calm in the middle of insanity (aka lunch rush), I want to tell them, "You have no idea."

When I find someone else who has a sibling with reactive attachment disorder, I feel like I found a missing sibling of my own.  We speak a common language.

And when people ask me what I think about adoption, I hesitate.

Here are four quotes that are "linked" in my mind to my thoughts about the hard parts about having grown up in an adoptive family.  (Rereading these as I post them, I think they apply to a lot of situations where we assume that we know someone else's backstory.)

1) 
Now that you know this is my life
I won't be told what's supposed to be right.
[from "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson]

Because, honestly, I have heard people say dumb, dumb stuff about adoption.  And how wonderful it always is.  And I want to hit them in the face with a creme pie...or something like that.

I don't know any way to do justice to the complexities in words.  I know that God delights in working good through adverse situations, but trying to make adversity sound less.... adverse.... does no favor to the people who live through it, and it minimizes God's grace.

Don't paint over the ugly.  Don't assume that you know what went wrong and how to fix all of it.

2)  
"Well, to be fair," I said, "I mean, she probably can't handle it.  Neither can you, but she doesn't have to handle it.  And you do."
[from The Fault In Our Stars by John Green]

At this point in the book, Hazel is talking to her friend Isaac, whose girlfriend broke up with him because he has cancer, telling him that she couldn't handle it.

I'd say that's true when I think about what my family went through when I was growing up.  It wasn't stuff that we could handle.  But we had to.

3) 
How could you ever understand where I come from?
Even if you ask --
Even if you listen --
you will not really hear, see, or feel.
You don't remember my story.
[from ReMoved]

I think this is true.  Even with my best friends.  Even with the best listeners who I know.  They don't remember my story.  That is no shortcoming in them; I think it's just a function of being finite.  I don't really fully understand their stories, either.

But sometimes it seems harder, and like it hurts more, to even really try to explain.

So a lot of times, I don't.

4)  
Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief
And graft my soul upon Your grief...
Sometimes I cannot forgive
These days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep.
[from "Oh My God" by Jars of Clay]

This is probably one of my favorite songs.

Especially this line: mercy cuts so deep.

It balances so very well in the tension.  Real mercy cuts and leaves scars.  Real mercy is dirty and messy and hard.

Real mercy, after all, is the perfect God becoming flesh in a very broken world.

It does cut.

So when people ask, I hesitate.  And warn them that it's going to be a long conversation.