More Than Enough

Two years ago seems like a long time.

But as I realize that the semester is thundering towards its end in a blizzard of papers due and presentations to give, more knowledge in my head and hopefully more wisdom in my life, I'm thinking about what it was like two years ago.

The college years, it seems, are full and fast and it's hard to remember last week, let alone my first year here. But I stretch out my fingers to that time, trying to recall who I was then and what I wish I had known, trying to see who I need to be, what needs to change in me in the time coming.

I pull up pictures on my screen from that first semester. Dag, sunshine, Frontier Club, people who I barely knew then and now count as friends. Fall leaves, a friend's soccer game on her birthday, eating meals in the dining hall, in peoples' homes. A small concert in the gym, first snow, a retreat one cold and icy weekend. Winter Wonderland, with my hall transformed from bare white walls by paper and markers and lost sleep. A bunch of different people trying on a hoodie, struggles zipping it up. Christmas dinner with my Greek class. I remember these things. And there are a lot of memories tied to each of these, the laughter and the backstories, how I first met these people and why we became friends, why we stayed.

I thought I was mature then. Now I look back and wonder at how little I knew... which makes me think that in a few years, I'll do the same thing all over again to myself now. It seems to be how life works.

My accountability group had laughed kindly at how excited I was about everything -- the coming classes, my homework... I was enthusiasm and they said it was refreshing and I wondered how on earth anyone ever lost that excitement. I think I know more of the answer now; you get older and you get busier and you learn to not be so fast to be excited about everything, that there is generally some cost involved and it will take its toll on you. I didn't know that then. I think I'm glad that I didn't.

I'm working on relearning enthusiasm and smiling at everything. I'd rather be open and get hurt sometimes than be wary of everything, locked in a self-designed prison of armor. I'd rather pray boldly and give God what is really on my heart than come to Him with a few safe requests that I won't be disappointed if He doesn't grant.

With the fears of a girl
and the heart of a woman
and everything that runs in between...
[Sandra McCracken]

One of the hard questions I was asked about a year ago by a friend was something like this: "Would you as you are now still have chosen to be friends with me?"

I wanted the answer to be yes. But I don't know what the truth is in that case. Because I have become better at seeing and recognizing pain and darkness. Two years ago I was a good bit more oblivious, and more sure that I could take on anything. Now there are things that I am more liable to recognize from a mile away and that gives me a difficult decision... stay or go?

I still want the answer to be yes.

I want the answer to be, Wherever He leads me, I will follow.

And I want my following to be fast eager running, not begrudging doling out of energy.

Because He is more than enough. He was more than enough two years ago. He's more than enough still.