Now that's a good start to a shift

"So what do you do when you're not working at Panera?" I asked one of my coworkers this morning.  Most people react to this question as if they're not sure where I'm going with it, but mostly I'm just curious.  I like to know something about the people I'm spending hours with on a daily basis.

"You know," she said, "sleep off working at Panera --" she often is there before I am, even on days when I work opening, "--cook for my family, clean up the house...go to bed.  Sometimes I do stuff with friends.  What about you, what do you do?"

"Cook," I said.  "Read... I'm working on applying to grad schools.  I actually did submit one yesterday, because that was the deadline."

She laughed.  "What are you going to grad school for?"

"Maybe political science, maybe something with languages and literature --"

"Really?" she said, suddenly interested.  "That's what I want to do, linguistics!"

"Really?" I repeated, interested myself.  "My undergraduate was in Biblical languages and cross cultural studies!"

"That's exactly what I want to do!  I want to study Biblical languages and do translation!"

Happy start to the day.  :)

Bucket Lists, Books, and Random Thoughts

I've never really kept a bucket list, I think partly because I don't like being disappointed, and making a bucket list seemed too -- vulnerable?  too much like setting myself up for disappointment?  -- I don't know.  Too something.  But lately, my mind feels like a continual bucket list generator, constantly thinking of statements that start with I want...

I want to get a kitten.  (Grey.  Or black.  Probably because it's the most cuddly pet that is feasible right now.)
I want to go back to Israel.  (Preferably for a few years.)
I want to see my friends in China.
I want to get a tattoo.  (Of what?  I don't know.  An ichthus?  A cross?  Xaris [in Greek] and Shalom [in Hebrew]?  You see why I stick to sharpies.)
I want to get a PhD degree.
I want to get married and have kids.
I want to actually get the massive story that I've been working on with friends for the past few years into readable order.
I want to cook all the things. (Well, maybe not quite... but not so far off from the truth either.)
I want to be more disciplined.  (Because that just magically happens... right?)
I want to feel my dependence on God as deeply in America as I did in China.
I want to foster community in whatever place I am.
I want to read more books.  (This truly never changes.)
I want to ride an elephant again.  (This will probably also never get off the list...)
I want to meet my penpal Aura.  (She lives in Guatemala.)
I want to know that the kids who I've prayed for for years are going to be well in the end.
I want to work for NASA.  (I know, I chose the wrong major.)
I want to work in a coffee shop.
I want to work with international students.
I want to teach college students again.
I want to live in a house with a huge library and lots of trees where other people will be welcome.
I want abortion to not happen.
I want leaders who demonstrate both integrity and intelligence.
I want to always be made happy by a cheap box of mac and cheese.

I'm super blessed.  The fact that I'm living in a warm apartment with an awesome friend, that I get to see my family basically every month, that I have the freedom to write about whatever I want, that I know that my Redeemer lives -- all these and thousands of more things are overwhelming.  Is it selfish to still want so many (other) things?  Or is it good to have hopes and dreams, to be curious about different paths that life could take?  I suspect it depends on motivations.  I know that mine are very often extremely impatient and murky.

In any case, that's a bit of what I've been thinking...

Along with how incredibly grateful I am for this year of doing... random stuff.

"Honestly, I thought you'd be doing something more exciting," a friend of mine told me recently when I said I was working at Panera.  I told him that I agreed with the sentiment.

But.

After... *counting on fingers* 17-ish years of being in school (okay, so one of those was teaching, but it's not all that different in some ways) it's freeing to have time without classes, to learn about other things, to pursue other interests (such as cooking) and to learn about being an adult in America.

Onto the Books part of this post.  A group of friends are doing a challenge called 52 in 52 -- reading 52 books in a year, starting in November.  (Maybe it isn't totally fair for me to participate?  I do read really quickly.  I also get a lot of opportunities to read, such as while waiting for the bus!  Oh well!)

Here's what I've read since the start of November and a few words of review:

1) Take a Thief, Mercedes Lackey [fantasy, enjoyed it]
2) Brightly Burning, Mercedes Lackey [fantasy, kind of depressing]
3) Ashenden, Elizabeth Wilhide [um...fictional documentary?  Interesting but kind of odd]
4) The Lost Gate, Orson Scott Card [urban sci-fi, interesting, not awesome.]
5) The Gate Thief, Orson Scott Card [ditto -- second in the series]
6) The Places In Between, Rory Stewart [journal of trip across Afghanistan.  Interesting.]
7) Star of the Morning, Lynn Kurland [Romantic fantasy -- really, really funny.]
8) Strange Stones, Peter Hessler  [Stories about both China and America.  SO GOOD.]
9)  Mafiaboy, Michael Calce [Autobiography of a hacker.  Educational, but eh...]
10) The Wizard of London, Mercedes Lackey [urban sci-fi... decent.]
11) The Gates of Sleep, Mercedes Lackey [urban sci-fi, decent.]
12) The Language of Sparrows, Rachel Phifer [Languages and life.  I really enjoyed this one.]
13) Son of Hamas, Mosab Hassan Yousef [Growing up in a Palestinian family.  Good.  Educational.]
14) Indigo, Catherine E. McKinley [Africa, textiles.  Educational... ehh...]
15) Which None Can Shut, Reema Goode [God working in the Middle East.  Pretty good!]
16) Tuf Voyaging, George R. R. Martin [Sci-fi.  Hilarious.  Pretty good.]

And that, folks, is all for now.

Four quotes

I love finding quotes that, at some point in the past, I found interesting enough to write down.

Here are a few that had been stored on my old computer.

"There is no longer earth-bound purity."  

"If a man asked what was the point of playing football

it would not be much good saying, 

'in order to score goals',

for trying to score goals is the game itself,

not the reason for the game,

and you would really only be saying 

that football was football 

--which is true, but not worth saying."

"She still believed in words so much.  

Farid believed in other things:  

in his knife, in courage and cunning.  

And in friendship." 

"Every time you decide, there is loss, no matter how you decide.  

It's always a question of what you cannot afford to lose." 

Wedding!

I met Amy during our first week at college, on a bus trip heading into Pittsburgh.  I got to know her better later because we had a lot of mutual friends.

I met Tyler during our junior year, I think; we were going on the same trip to Aliquippa.  He and Amy were maybe interested in each other and Amy asked me to keep an eye on him during the week and let her know what I thought of him.

I was impressed.

Today I went to their wedding.  It must have been nearly a year ago when Tyler sent me a message on facebook, asking if I expected to be back in America in October 2013.  Up until that point, I didn't think I had much committing me one way or another.  But I said yes.  I really wanted to be at their wedding.

When I think about either of them, my mind fills with memories -- evenings with Amy in Schoolhouse, talking about life; drives with Tyler around Aliquippa, too many quotes to record, having hot soup slosh all over me and wearing his spare rain pants for the evening.

There was a deep joy in seeing these friends who I love so much take vows to spend the rest of their lives loving and serving each other and God.

It's also a little crazy, and a bunch of us talked about that tonight.  Has it really been a year and a half since we graduated?  We sat at a table, chatting, eating, quiet; the reality all too close that when we left that room, we wouldn't be driving back to college, back to the life and place that we shared for four years.  We'd be scattering again, back to our separate lives that are happening in different states.

It was sweet to see everyone, to share stories and laughter.  It was bitter to say goodbyes and to feel distances that grow over time, to find that too many of our stories begin with remember when.  So, a lovely and bittersweet day.

The kind of day that makes me look forward to a day without goodbyes.

To the ultimate wedding feast.

Two perspectives

Today I got an email from friends who live in Changchun, asking that we remember the city (and the people who live there) because the air pollution levels are extremely high right now.  It's over 400 on a scale that goes up to 500... the current level is called "very hazardous," and they said it's the worst they've seen in the ten years they have lived in Changchun.

I can imagine to some degree.  There were a couple of days last year that it was just nasty, but nothing as bad as what they have right now.  It's gross to go outside and you think what am I breathing?  GAK!

Not too long later, I got a message from a dear friend who's a student at Huaqiao, telling me about how her birthday had been.  The last message she sent read:  "It's been foggy all day and it's beautiful."

Yes, the pollution needs to be cleaned up.  A lot of life is like that... filled with real problems that pose real dangers.  But often the solutions are not going to come immediately, and so I find myself wanting the perspective that she took.

It's been foggy all day.

And it's beautiful.

Some thoughts on contentment.

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content, wrote Paul.

I have not.

I was thinking about this last week because I was feeling really discontent.  I have a job, but I don't have enough hours yet to be making much money.  Also, let's face it: somehow making sandwiches at Panera is a little less glamorous than teaching at a university in China.  It doesn't exactly have the same ring of I'm doing awesome things when I tell people what my job is.

I like people thinking that I'm doing awesome things!  I enjoy feeling that my life is an adventure.  And while  a bus ride to find cheese in China seems like an undertaking worthy of epic theme music, a bus ride in Ohio usually seems like a nuisance.

See what I mean?  I haven't learned to be content very well.

But at some point last week, when all of this was sort of bubbling around in my head, it occurred to me that I was being ridiculous.

• I don't have to deal with the daily frustration of not being able to express very basic things.
• It hasn't snowed yet here.
• There are incredible libraries and you know what? I can read whatever I want to from them.
• I'm living with a good friend.
• Since I don't have a ton of hours of work yet, I have time to pursue other interests.  Like reading.  And writing.  And selling some posts to blogmutt.  And (thinking about) applying to grad schools.  And emailing friends.  And chatting with students.
• There are churches everywhere.
• I'm 2 hours away from my family, rather than 24+.

The list could go on and on.

So... maybe doing a hard things means learning to be content.

John Calvin was right on when he described the human heart as an idol factory.  It's something I keep learning about... and then seeing in myself... and then not thinking about for a while... and then getting smacked with again.  Here are a few resources that I love...

• The excellent book The Cry of the Soul: How Our Emotions Reveal Our Deepest Questions about God by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III has some really good content about how our emotions expose our idols.  (Unfortunately... I didn't copy the quotes down.  Maybe a project soon...)
• Tim Keller's Counterfeit Gods deals with some similar themes and is very accessible, solid and practical (as I've found everything of his that I've read/listened to!)
• Not the Way It's Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin by Cornelius Plantinga Jr.  ...This maybe just happens to be my favorite book.  If you haven't read it, don't be put off by the long name.  It's lovely.
• Jeremiah Burroughs wrote a book called The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, which I haven't read yet... but I need to.  Pastor William Kessler did an awesome series using this and speaking about contentment at a camp when I was in high school.  Sadly, his messages aren't on sermonaudio... the good news is that quite a few other ones are!  (Click here for the link, if you're interested.)
• And there is this line by Jars of Clay, from their song Call My Name which has haunted me for a few years.

Let our idols fail, vanity subsideAnd we will see the beauty in our lives.

It's a hard thing to pray, I think -- to ask God to bring idols down.  But until He does, we'll be missing out on so much... including the beauty in our lives that we're too busy being discontent to see.

Same same... but different. (Pumpkin edition)

So, last year in China, I really wanted pumpkin.  Pumpkin anything.  Pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pancakes.

The difficulty was that (as far as I could find) Changchun is not exactly full of cans of pumpkin waiting to be used.  Solution: I bought a small pumpkin, hacked it open with one of my multiple cleaver style knives, baked it like crazy and smashed it up into glorious pumpkin puree.

This was a fairly easy and relatively painless process (i.e. I did not drop the pumpkin on my toe or put my hand in the way of the large knife.)  So this year, I said, "Hey!  Let's get a pumpkin!  I want to make pumpkin things."

We got a pumpkin.

It sat on the counter for... um... three weeks?  Something like that.

Please understand, this is not because I lost interest in turning it into pumpkin puree.  I had just underestimated the importance of the tool that I used last year.  Somehow, the paring knife just... wasn't cutting it.  I tried stabbing it and the knife sort of wobbled but barely even left a mark on the rind.

Seriously.  This pumpkin was like a rock.  An orange, pumpkin shaped rock.

Today I decided that the time had come because I really wanted to cross "pumpkin" off my to-do list.  So I pulled out my sturdy pocket knife, thinking that surely its thicker blade, which locks into place, would be undaunted by this tough pumpkin.

Wrong.

Granted, the knife looked less like it was planning to crumple, but I also just couldn't get it into the pumpkin.  Sort of like all the knights other than Arthur in reverse -- only with a pumpkin and pocket knife rather than a sword and a stone.  At least both sets are alliterative!

So I muddled about the apartment for a while, thinking stabby thing, stabby thing, stabby thing... hmm!  Screwdriver!

I'm very pleased to report that the screwdriver worked like a charm as I punched it into the pumpkin.

The less pleasurable part of that report is that it took a set of pliers (I'm not joking) to get the screwdriver back out of the pumpkin, although that may be because my screwdriver is the interchangeable sort, and the pumpkin was much more dedicated to holding onto the head than the body of the screwdriver was.

Anyway, having been properly punctured for ventilation, the pumpkin is now in the oven, hopefully roasting.

Book Report

Since I'm not working many hours yet, and since I'm living in apartment with quite a few books I've never read before (and close to a bunch of awesome libraries)... I've been reading a bunch.

I'm sure that you're all shocked.

So here's what I've read in the past month.

~~~

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.

Since Mom reads the Happiness Project blog and sends me random things from it sometimes and talks about it, when I saw her book sitting on the shelf, I decided I may as well read it.  It was fun -- she writes very conversationally and has some good and motivating ideas.  I wouldn't say it was life-changing, but there you go.  It's worth reading, or skimming at least... but probably not buying.

Lulu in the Sky by Loung Ung

After being in Asia, I find that I'm way more interested in reading other books about... Asian things.  Duh.  Anyway, my friend Dominic's passion for Cambodia made me really curious to learn more about the country, culture, and people.  This book was heart-breaking because there is so much pain in the recent past of the Khmer people, but I really enjoyed getting to read a personal story.

River of Stars by Guy Gavriel Kay

See the note on the above about reading books about/set in Asia.  However... not my favorite book.  Kay is a decent author, but he often uses far more words than I think necessary or beneficial.  So while it was an okay read, it wasn't something I'm likely to pick up and read again.

Maze Runner/Scorch Trials/Death Cure by James Dashner

No.  Not worth it.  This is a sort of dystopia/sci-fi trilogy, and while the first book had some good ideas, the story and characters got increasingly flat and the ending was disappointing.  I finished it because I was curious and all three of them were sitting on the shelf, but my recommendation is just don't bother starting.

Jam by Yahtzee Croshaw

What would you do if you woke up one morning to your city being flooded with man-eating strawberry jam?  This is a fun story (if you like things in the zombie apocalypse vein, minus the zombies, plus a lot of sticky cannibalistic jam).

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski

Okay, so I had never heard of this book or this author and had no idea what genre it was in, but this was a really good read.  Warning: it's definitely sad, a little suspenseful, and a little creepy.  But I enjoyed his style of writing and story telling a lot.

And I want a dog.

Also, I miss sign language.

The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss

Jonathan recommended this book with something close to a blissful ecstasy in a time when I was in dire need of books.  Knowing how he was sometimes inclined to be, uh, more rapturous than I would be about certain experiences (such as eating food), I took his recommendation with a grain of salt.  We do have fairly similar tastes in stories though, so I kept it in mind.

He did not exaggerate.

This is probably the best book I've read in the past year.  The author's use of language was masterful and the story was solid.  Usually I am content with reading books quickly, but this one I was torn between not wanting to set it down and wanting it to last forever.

~~~

So, that's what I've been reading... there are a couple more that I haven't finished yet, so they'll have to wait for another day.

Any new recommendations?

All the Things!

Most days, there is no shortage of things that I want to do and things that I need to do and things that I ought to do.  Being bored really is not usually a problem.  (I mean... there are more books to read... there are more languages to work on...foods to cook...)

I think that chaotic combination of way too many things is a huge part of what I love about story writing.  It's probably true of any kind of creative crafting -- everything sort of layers together and one thing leads to another and before you know it, you're in over your head.

Recent example:  I decided that characters should have some sort of tattoo indicating what religion they follow.  This led to quite a lot of obvious questions (such as how did I want to divide up the religions and what do the tattoos look like and is there a standard placement for them?) and then some connected questions (what does modesty look like? what is the climate like?) and then some google searches like exercise clothing in Thailand and how is silicone made.

In between those steps there were conversations about psychrometrics (between storywriting and living with an engineer, I get to learn all sorts of things) and design and... you get the picture.

Writing is great because it's an excuse to talk about and research pretty much anything.

(And the picture really is not connected.  It's from a walk I went on.)

Waiting to Cross

I was on the corner of the sidewalk, waiting for the signal to cross the street.  Next to me was a man who had been there when I crossed the first time; his job was to bounce around a sign advertising $5 pizza at Little Caesar's.  I was not especially inclined to talk to him for at least these two reasons:

1. There are a lot of sketchy people.  (I could have a blog of bus "friend" stories.) I don't live in Detroit, but the area here isn't the most, uh, friendly and reputable either.
2. I was kind of in a hurry to get across the street and to my interview at Panera.

Am I wasting my time just standing here?

Shouldn't I be talking to him?

The questions came into my mind suddenly.  But I'm in America now, I don't have status as a "foreign expert" that I do in China -- why would he listen to me?

And what would I say, anyway?  "Hello, sir, you look kind of sketchy and I look like a high school student (or maybe college, if you're feeling generous) but I wanted to say Hi and How's your day going? and How's your relationship with God?"

So I stood there, waiting for the walk signal to light up, and kind of ignoring him beyond whatever initial quick eye contact/smile/nod/acknowledgement that there's another human we had done.  (It was a long light.)

"Hello!" he said cheerfully.

"Hi," I said, thinking about how much I didn't want a pizza right then.

He said something else, I don't remember what.

"It's a beautiful day," I remarked, because clearly the decision had been made for me and we were talking to each other.  Which was okay.  (Did I mention this was a long light?)

"It is.  Jesus loves you!" he told me.

I grinned.  "Yep, He does," I agreed.

Apparently heartened by this response, he continued with growing enthusiasm.  "God is good!"

"God is good, all the time," I said, at this point probably grinning like a maniac.

We talked about where we go to church and how long we've been Christians and had gotten to introducing ourselves.  "Hannah," I told him, and when he said he didn't know what it meant, I said, "Gracious, because God is gracious to us."

He thought about this for a moment.  "God is gracious to us."

His name was Richard.  I asked if he knew what it meant.

(Did I mention -- this is a long light?)

"It means a mighty warrior," Richard said.  "And I'm an intercessory prayer warrior --"

The light changed, and I crossed the road after a hurried, "Bye Richard, nice meeting you," and "Goodbye sister, God bless you!"

He did.

Kid Hotel

Showing a picture of my siblings to my students generally resulted in great reactions.  Faced with a situation that even many Americans feel awkward about responding to (“Boy, uh, your sister looks a little... darker than you...?") Chinese students often went the route of a confused series of glances between the pictures and me.

I know, we don't look much alike.

I wouldn't trade them for anything.

There are so many things that I love about my sibs, things that make me realize what an incredible blessing they have been in my life.  Having four siblings is stressful.  Being the oldest is stressful.

But I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

I thought about this today while AJ was driving me all over creation as we did crazy missions getting last minute gifts for Mom's birthday.

I thought about it when C was lounging on my bed, working on making the list that I was dictating to her, filling in categories of ways she could spend her free time.

I thought about it tonight when Ib and I were building a cooking fire, a process fraught with competition (some friendly and some not-entirely-so-friendly.)

I've had the blessing of many incredible friends and communities throughout my life -- but none of my friends have been with me through as many parts of my life as my sibs.  None of my friends can finish each other's sentences and fill in each other's memories the ways we can.  

I love seeing them growing up and doing things that I can't do.

I love teasing them because, no matter what, I'm always older.  And I know where they're ticklish.

I love the way we share memories and quotes and friendships and have shared so many years of life.

Wherever we go, that's where the party's at.

And sometimes I just look at them and think, Dang, I love these kids.