Thursday, December 30, 2010

Much Afraid and Perfect Love

My friend JJ and I had a really good discussion the other day.

We talked about things that go on but that we can't see, how the Bible is very elusive in its hints about spiritual warfare, and how, while this can be exasperating, is also gracious. How we have to trust instead of having tangible facts, and how trust is really all we have anyway. How hard of a grace that is to live in.

We talked about age, how it seems that one grows older with experience, younger with love.

We talked about the odd connection that some people have -- she called it being on the network -- the connection where they hear other people's heart-cries. About how maybe, if you hear those cries, you could walk away rather than give yourself in responding, but you have to lie to yourself ever after. Walking away is not a good way to live. People call that heartless, said JJ. But they call it insanity to stay, I said.

To stay when it hurts, to to remain in the fire by choice, can look like insanity. It has a cost. It refines your strengths and breaks you at your weaknesses, and you can emerge knowing yourself. Knowing what you need to be striving for in sanctification.

JJ pointed out that you can often look back on those crucible times and see the linking chains of grace. The grace upon grace, grace leading to more. Gras ar ben gras, I thought, because that's the name I had for it for most of last semester.

The grace is what saves.

The what-ifs whisper condemnation, those things that replay and haunt after those times in the furnace, aching fears that the grace is a shadow.

And we talked about how, in those fears, we find that we do not yet love perfectly, for perfect love casts out fear. We long to love that way, but find ourselves thwarted at every step by our flawed love for God and for others.

JJ's confession, "I am much afraid" is mine too. I am a disciple of little faith, one of those panicking during the storm. Never mind that the Lord of Storms is enough at ease to sleep.

I am much afraid, but He is all love. So my life is caught in a tangled, delicate tension that every moment and action and breath flows out of. Sometimes gloriously and sometimes painfully, woven in between natural fear and the real love.

We thanked God that His mercies are new every morning.

And morning came while we talked, and we said 晚 安, goodnight, and went to sleep, to wake to new mercies.






[Sandra McCracken has sung two hymns that fit beautifully with these subjects.

Grace Upon Grace

In every station, new trials and new troubles
Call for more grace than I can afford
Where can I go but to my dear Savior
For mercy that pours from boundless stores.

CHORUS:
Grace upon grace, every sin repaired
Every void restored, you will find Him there
In every turning He will prepare you
With grace upon grace.

He made a way for the fallen to rise
Perfect in glory and sacrifice
In sweet communion my need He supplies
He saves and keeps and guards my life

To Thee I run now with great expectation
To honor You with trust like a child
My hopes and desires seek a new destination
and all that You ask Your grace will provide.

and I Glory in Christ

God forbid that I should glory,
save in the Redeemer's cross
Counting shame for Him but honor,
Counting earthly gain but loss
All the love of God is here,
A love that casteth out all fear

God forbid that I should glory,
save in Christ my Lord alone
Him I lean on; Him I follow
Him, before the world, I own
All the love of God is here
A love that casteth out all fear

God forbid that I should glory
save in Christ the Son of God
Him who sought me Him who bought me
Him who washed me in his blood
All the love of God is here
A love that casteth out all fear




Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1 John 4:7-21)]

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Nightfall and Vows

Here's what caught me tonight reading Fellowship of the Ring:

"On [the Ring-bearer] alone is any charge laid... the others go with him as free companions to help him on his way. You may tarry, or come back, or turn aside into other paths, as chance allows. The further you go, the less easy will it be to withdraw; yet no oath or bond is laid on you to go further than you will. For you do not yet know the strength of your hearts, and you cannot foresee what each may meet upon the road."

"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens," said Gimli.

"Maybe," said Elrond, "but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall."

"Yet sworn word may strengthen quaking heart," said Gimli.

"Or break it," said Elrond. "Look not too far ahead! But go now with good hearts!"

Oaths do make and break hearts. They bind, and sometimes the binding is what breaks us most deeply. But we cannot live without them.

My family revolves around vows -- my parents' wedding vows, the vows taken at the adoption of my siblings, my vows of church membership. There are other, more implicit, more subtle vows that bind just as much. I'm a student by choice, so I work hard on academics. I'm a sister. I'm an officer in a club. I'm a friend.

And I'm still grateful for people who have made me be intentional about what I bind myself to. A lot of it went on as I grew up and Mom gave me more influence in what I studied. I remember a lot of that going on freshman year: the ones who made me think about communion, the ones who made me think about friendship, the ones who made me think about academics.

For all the ones who said, "What do you really want? Is this what you really want?" and then looked at me as I said, "Yes."

One of the songs made for the Fellowship of the Ring movie has the catching line,

May it be
When darkness falls
Your heart
Will be true.

May it be indeed.

What other than a vow to walk in the darkness would ever press us onward when we do finally see nightfall?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Crazy Plans

"There remain two more to be found," said Elrond. "These I will consider. Of my household I may find some that it seems good to me to send."

"But that will leave no place for us!" cried Pippin in dismay. "We don't want to be left behind. We want to go with Frodo."

"That is because you do not understand and cannot imagine what lies ahead," said Elrond.

"Neither does Frodo," said Gandalf, unexpectedly supporting Pippin. "Nor do any of us see clearly. It is true that if these hobbits understood the danger, they would not dare to go. But they would still wish to go, or wish that they dared, and be shamed and unhappy. I think, Elrond, that in this matter it would be well to trust rather to their friendship than to great wisdom."

I was reading this part, with the choosing of the Fellowship, to my youngest brother tonight, and thinking about how amazingly true Gandalf's words -- and Elrond's as well -- are. If I knew what lay ahead of me in life, I would be paralyzed with terror, because that is way more than I can handle.

But I love, love, Gandalf's rebuttal. While it is true that we would not dare to act if we knew the danger, it is well to trust to friendship.

The verses of 1 Corinthians 1:27-28 really sum up the core of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series:

But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are.
The cross is that way. We're that way too. I've been learning that all year, as I watch God work in my crazy, busy, insane life at school and bring what He wants from it -- friendships, academics, growth; as I worked at camp and ran on levels of exhaustion where I wanted to stop in the middle of walking down a hill and cry, when I didn't have words to say to a camper and God still spoke. He uses the weak things.

Which is scary, because that means that He uses people like me.

And things like the incarnation.

And He tells us to trust in His crazy plan, and trust that He knows best, and trust that He calls us friends.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Letter to a Friend

No, your words don't surprise me.

I knew as soon as I began reading that you were writing out your soul, that you were reflecting how you see yourself. And I was impressed, not only with the story you were weaving, but with the perception that it took to see yourself accurately enough to portray yourself as a killer, and with the honesty you showed in sharing the story.

It doesn't surprise me because I know what is in a man. I read the words and I recite them back to myself, in my living room, perched on a rock in the middle of campus, confessing that I cannot live up to God's law,
that
I have a natural tendency
to hate God and my neighbor
that the
fall has so poisoned our nature
that we are born sinners ---
corrupt from conception on.
that
we [are] so corrupt
that we are totally unable to do any good
and inclined toward all evil.
It helps to grow up catechized with those words. Then at least I couldn't say No one warned me, not the night when I heard confessions of what porn really does to you, not the night when I saw what too much alcohol really looks like, not the night I heard stories of abuse, not the night when I found that I am not strong enough to break through all the damage of trauma. Those things still come as a shock, as something horribly wrong, but at least I already knew it.

It helps that I know that I'm dark inside too.

So let's talk about these things, talk about how we don't come into the light because we're scared of being exposed and we're scared of being healed and we're scared of hurting someone else with all the pain locked inside ourselves, so instead it drips down like poison and we die.

Don't start thinking that it's fine for things to be the way they are, just because I expected it. It's not okay. Things suck sometimes.

But I want you to fight. I want you to find joy in being alive. Your words are grey with pain, saying that you're struggling just to feel alive at all. There's more out there than existentialism, and I am praying that it will take over in you and you'll be able to breathe and laugh.

I'm praying for things to surprise you. For joy to break in.

We are so beautiful when we sleep
Hearts of gold and eyes so deep, deep, deep
But love won't cure the chaos
And hope won't hide the loss
And peace is not the heroine that shouts above the cause
And love is wild for reasons
And hope though short in sight
Might be the only thing that wakes you by surprise
Surprise, surprise

Here's the best surprise: God became a man! And moved in with us. And the tomb is empty, and death is conquered.

I know that leaves a lot of mess in your life right now, and in mine too. But this is bigger. This is the beginning of the healing of all the broken.

The sunrise shall visit us from on high
to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the way of peace.

Peace comes costly, with tears and stories and hugs and anger and fighting and death and blood. But it comes. Don't give up.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Why I Need Advent

Yesterday one of my wonderful roommates sent me a link to the blog Six Year Med, and I've been reading the back articles. I like finding out what makes people tick, and Danielle is an excellent writer.

Tonight I found this post, Evidence of Things Unseen.

It was a good reminder. Sometimes we run from responsibility that we should have shouldered. But sometimes we carry it too long, carry what never should have been ours originally.

Jars of Clay:

All of those nights
Spend alone in the darkness of your mind
Give it up
Let it go
These are things you were never meant to shoulder...


Conversation with a sobbing friend:

"This was never your choice to make. You have been faithful much..."

"I should be the one paying the prices."

Because we're prideful and we want to carry the world on our shoulders and be the savior.

I know, because that's me.

The good thing is, I'm not the world's savior.

He is.

It's good to be reminded from time to time that it's not my responsibility to save the world. Rather, to be faithful.

Tim Keller's book Counterfeit Gods does an excellent job of issuing this reminder again. He writes,

There is legitimate guilt that is removed through repentance and restitution, and then there is irremediable guilt. When people say, "I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself," they mean that they have failed an idol, whose approval is more important to them then God's.

It sounds silly, and I'd love to be able to say, "No, my identity is fully rooted in Christ, and I only rely on what God says about me to know who I am." But I don't. Because I'm prideful, and it's a lot more in keeping with what I'd like to think about how the world depends on me.

But I need to know that it doesn't. Because it's weight that I cannot carry, weight that only a Savior who is God can, and only a Savior who is man can understand how it breaks you.

That's why I need Advent, because I need Christmas, because I need Him to be born and live and die and be my great High Priest.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The King Who Did Not Forget

Before the creation of the world, they had made a covenant, binding themselves in a relationship without end. There would be the creation, the bringing-everything-to-be. And beyond that lay the darkness of the image-bearers who would blind themselves by looking too long at the light as they tried to overthrow it.

The agreement was that he would redeem the rebels, this covenant made even before they were created. He entered into this willingly, despite the dreadful cost, pledging his very life to save those who were born to be his subjects but were self-determined to be his enemies.

The morning stars sang together and the sons of God shouted for joy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ready?"

The children, wrapped in their blankets, huddled by the fireplace, nodded.

The story began with Once upon a time, as many good stories do, this story of the fulfillment of the covenant. He was born into a land of the planet hostile to him, as had been agreed. He had to grow up humbly, with none of the honor that he deserved. He learned to work with his hands, this one who had created the universe, laying stone in the lovely small town near his home in the hills. He was a master craftsman, but there was nothing about his appearance to suggest that he was anything extraordinary. He was just one of a handful of children, and some still wondered about the legitimacy of his birth.

He may have looked ordinary, but he hadn't forgotten the reason why he had come.

He waited patiently, preparing, until the day of the battle. To the shock and dismay of his small army, he went unarmed into the enemy's camp, all too vulnerable. To be sure, his hands were strong, but the strong hands of one man couldn't defeat the world's best trained army.

They may have forgotten that he had already been living in enemy territory, but he had not.

And he died there, life bleeding out with a desperate cry of forsakenness. Those who had followed him hid. They didn't understand, hadn't heard, the terms on which he gave up his life.

Give me back my people. Give me back my bride.

Like the heroes of Greek and Roman legend, he went down himself into death to pursue and free the captives, to hound hell. Unlike those heroes, he did not fall prey to any of the alluring traps of death, and so it had no hold on him. He slipped out of its grasp, subduing it instead.

He led those he had redeemed out of the deep dark places, into the light. He reclaimed his bride, washing away her shame and covering her with his grace. He trained them to fight, an army to carry on with the final battles until he'd come back again.

"And now we are part of the King's family, too," added a sleepy voice. "Don't forget that part."

"Now we are the King's children too," said the storyteller with a smile. "We won't forget, because he didn't forget. So we live... happily... ever... after."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The happily ever after doesn't come immediately, not when you are part of the forces left in country still occupied by enemies. Sometimes they crowded together, lonely and cold in the vast open spaces, clinging to the memories and the words that were left, the promise that he would, in fact, come back some day. They were wanderers, tethered to the real by the stories passed down from generation to generation, stories more true and lovely than any fairy tale.

Firelight flickered on their grimy faces and bloody hands as they fell asleep, weary, to dreams of a world more real than their own and the King who would return.

The King who had not forgotten before, who would not forget them now.

He was coming.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Thankful...

As I walked back from the dining hall today, I heard a voice singing quite loudly. It made me smile, this guy coming out of the freshman dorm singing, and so I began thinking of how many amazingly good things have happened in the last few days. So I thought that I'd make a list of some of these things that I'm thankful for...

  • Dinner with Katie E and her parents on Thursday night and studying for our bio test in her room... it was very fun and relaxing, as well as productive study time.
  • The immune system. I really enjoy studying it. I knew there was a reason I was taking more bio.
  • Dinner with C-1 on Friday night and listening to how ridiculous we were all being. Finals are definitely approaching...
  • Story writing and discussion with a roommate on Friday night...
  • Filmfest on Friday night... and getting dressed up... and seeing a lot of campus looking classy. And, of course, getting to see a bunch of amazing films put together by the people I get to go to school with. This included one of the RD's son returning in 20 years to save the college, one based on Rear Window by my roommate Jordan (Part I, Part II), some amazing longboarding footage, and some impressive stop action/animation (here's one done by my friend Josh, and here's another one...).
  • Repair day with Dag on Saturday... fun times with the Dag'ers, and a good mix of new and old members... really good pizza... many repaired weapons... chasing to get and avoid being in pictures...
  • Going to the Christmas concert last night; it's always wonderfully done, the church is beautiful, and I got a ride down and back, plus time with some friends who I've seen less this semester.
  • Sliding down the slippery sloped floor in the shoes with no traction as I waved at Katie E and both of us going from very happy waving to very confused expressions... then Bill fake-tripping me and semi-insulting my outfit...
  • Coming back to my room and watching 9 with Jordan. It was kind of creepy but very well animated, and parts were really cute.
  • Lots of blankets and a very warm bed to sleep in.
  • Caitlyn calling this morning about the snow on the roads. I'm glad for safe drivers.
  • Getting to hear Titus preach as a result of snow, and being at church with Caitlyn and Fiona. I love worshipping with friends. (That is going to be one sweet thing about heaven.)
  • Christ's encouragement to the church in Philadelphia. (Text for this morning's service.)
  • Warm boots and wool socks and a warm coat and gloves.
  • Snow falling in fluffy clumps.
  • The color orange, and my amazing orange shirt which my mom found for me.
  • The photos on the wall above my bed.
  • The opportunity to make a mosaic downtown on Wednesday night... it was fun and very relaxing. And I got to know some girls who I didn't know much before, and catching up with some who I knew vaguely.
  • The kid who walked out singing and made me think about this all.
  • A beautiful new mosaic glass necklace made by Yonpli.
  • Music by Michael Card, especially The Promise and Soul Anchor CDs.
  • Chocolate. (And randomly being given it!)
  • The many faithful witnesses to Christ who have gone before me.
  • Friendliness of people who I haven't seen in a long time.
  • Salt on sidewalks.
  • Heather Dale's music (and the fact that Greyhound is not stuck in my head still, as it was all yesterday.)
  • Light.
  • Smells. Last year every time I smelled our suitemates' room, I felt relaxed and safe, and it's similar this year in my apartment.
  • Poetry.
  • His coming.
How about you?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Adventures of Late

Yesterday was the first day of Advent. I love Advent, maybe more than I love Christmas. I love looking forward to Him. I love the double-edged nature of Advent now, looking back to when He came, looking forward to His coming again.

Tonight I turned on the Music of Silence and now I'm basking in it, the glory of voices echoing out solemn and beautiful.

There's still a lot to be done before the end of the semester. But some of that is laughing and sharing memories and drinking in the beautiful and my heart crying out, Come quickly...

But of the Son he says,

“Your throne, O God, is forever and ever,
the scepter of uprightness is the scepter of your kingdom.
You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has anointed you
with the oil of gladness beyond your companions.”

(Hebrews 1:8-9 ESV)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Recent Pieces of the Semester in Photos and a Few Words

Midnight showing of Harry Potter with a bunch of my best friends...


Days spin by in a dizzying drift
Calender pages floating to the floor
Slipping from my over-full hands.

“SHUT UP! I’M TELLING A STORY! I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO TELL YOU THE STORY!”


So I follow Your footsteps
And the sound of Your voice
To the place where light meets the evening...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

More Than Enough

Two years ago seems like a long time.

But as I realize that the semester is thundering towards its end in a blizzard of papers due and presentations to give, more knowledge in my head and hopefully more wisdom in my life, I'm thinking about what it was like two years ago.

The college years, it seems, are full and fast and it's hard to remember last week, let alone my first year here. But I stretch out my fingers to that time, trying to recall who I was then and what I wish I had known, trying to see who I need to be, what needs to change in me in the time coming.

I pull up pictures on my screen from that first semester. Dag, sunshine, Frontier Club, people who I barely knew then and now count as friends. Fall leaves, a friend's soccer game on her birthday, eating meals in the dining hall, in peoples' homes. A small concert in the gym, first snow, a retreat one cold and icy weekend. Winter Wonderland, with my hall transformed from bare white walls by paper and markers and lost sleep. A bunch of different people trying on a hoodie, struggles zipping it up. Christmas dinner with my Greek class. I remember these things. And there are a lot of memories tied to each of these, the laughter and the backstories, how I first met these people and why we became friends, why we stayed.

I thought I was mature then. Now I look back and wonder at how little I knew... which makes me think that in a few years, I'll do the same thing all over again to myself now. It seems to be how life works.

My accountability group had laughed kindly at how excited I was about everything -- the coming classes, my homework... I was enthusiasm and they said it was refreshing and I wondered how on earth anyone ever lost that excitement. I think I know more of the answer now; you get older and you get busier and you learn to not be so fast to be excited about everything, that there is generally some cost involved and it will take its toll on you. I didn't know that then. I think I'm glad that I didn't.

I'm working on relearning enthusiasm and smiling at everything. I'd rather be open and get hurt sometimes than be wary of everything, locked in a self-designed prison of armor. I'd rather pray boldly and give God what is really on my heart than come to Him with a few safe requests that I won't be disappointed if He doesn't grant.

With the fears of a girl
and the heart of a woman
and everything that runs in between...

[Sandra McCracken]


One of the hard questions I was asked about a year ago by a friend was something like this: "Would you as you are now still have chosen to be friends with me?"

I wanted the answer to be yes. But I don't know what the truth is in that case. Because I have become better at seeing and recognizing pain and darkness. Two years ago I was a good bit more oblivious, and more sure that I could take on anything. Now there are things that I am more liable to recognize from a mile away and that gives me a difficult decision... stay or go?

I still want the answer to be yes.

I want the answer to be, Wherever He leads me, I will follow.

And I want my following to be fast eager running, not begrudging doling out of energy.

Because He is more than enough. He was more than enough two years ago. He's more than enough still.

Postmodernism and Job

We were discussing postmodernism today in Humanities. I know that I have blogged about it before, but here were some thoughts and questions from today's discussion.

Should "postmodernism" be understood as what those who first began using the term -- Foucault, Derrida, Lyotard -- meant it as (which are not always the same thing) or as it is commonly used today, by people on the street? By students in the classroom? Does a word mean only one thing?

What does it indicate when the majority of the students in the classroom -- and we're a pretty traditional bunch of students, in the 18-22 year old range or so -- are extremely frustrated by cultural artifacts such as the postmodern poetry of Hannah Weiner? So... maybe it's clever. But we want to know what it means, and we're sure that it does have a meaning, that no one puts meaningless words on a page and no one publishes (totally) meaningless things. And we want to know what this meaning is.

I've been told that postmodernism is a reaction to the "power play" of modernism, that it was a backlash against modernism trying to take over subversively...

I don't think so. If I'm going to try to speak in such broad sweeping terms of philosophical movements at all, I think it's far more about trust and that being sustained or broken. I believe that a lot of the suspicions in postmodernism grow out of the complex soil of our own fallen human nature, which prefers to trust ourselves rather than any authority, rightful or not, and out of some deeply broken trusts in recent times. (I've talked about that a lot before. I think it has to do with things like abortion... soaring divorce rates... corrupt governments... wars that kill more civilians than combatants...)

Finally, one of my biggest gripes with people who decide they like "postmodernism" -- however you're going to define it -- and that they're going to hunker down there and build a summer home. No. No. Don't do it. RUN AWAY. Run to Christ. Postmodernism is based on a lot of lack of trust, a lot of questions about everything. "Why?" is a good and legitimate question in some settings. You can ask "Why?" about pretty much everything -- and postmoderns do, I do, but it is not always good to ask. There is a place to hold authorities accountable, but there is also a place to shut up and respectfully submit and trust.

There are so many questions that it is better not to ask, and I am learning that very slowly. There are some questions that humans are not meant to find the answers to, because finding those answers exacts a horrible, horrible price, and it changes everything. Sometimes costly questions must be asked, and answers must be sought despite high prices.

But what does it say when we only want to ask questions and never to be still and listen?

My friend Raora wrote about this in a haunting section of poetry.

There are questions that are curses
There are things we must not ask
When the Present moment merges
With the Shadows of the Past.


Eve never should have questioned the goodness of God in the Garden. Never.

Last spring I discussed this with a friend of mine, as he told me a story of a fight, of self-defense and then we looked at each other and our eyes mirrored our dreadful conclusion: There are some things it's better to never find out, better to never know.

And to run to Him for grace instead.

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
[Lifehouse]


Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer You?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.

~Job 40:4-5

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Tonight's Report of God's Goodness

It's good being a junior.

Tonight I'm sitting in a lounge of a building I used to live in, with two freshmen. We've been goofing off. I went to find one of them to watch a movie, but he was coming over here to do homework. I don't think either of them have made much progress on the homework, and I can't say that I've accomplished a ton either.

But in non-homework terms, there's been plenty accomplished (even though that hasn't included watching the movie that we wanted to watch...)

We've laughed. A lot. Talked about how we all hate 2010: A Space Odyssey. Distracted each other and swapped stories of epic events and epic fails and totally unepic every day stuff. Mostly we've laughed.

We've shared little snips of who we are -- middle names, siblings, churches. Argued over the difference (or lack thereof) between the words "normal" and "average".

And I find myself thinking, this is how the threads are woven together. These randomish times together are the ways in which we grow together and the way relationships grow strong and the things that will hold together when other things fall apart.

God is good.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Mealplans and Denial and Prayer

Today my Sunday school class was talking about prayer.

We do this every week this semester, an hour on Sunday mornings after we've all worshipped together, all of us in a room to talk and listen and to pray.

And today I was thinking about two things as we discussed the Lord's Prayer and why we don't pray as we ought to, why we don't ask for our daily bread and why we don't beg Him for His Kingdom to come. About why I don't.

Mealplans.

Denial.

First, mealplans.

This summer almost every weekend I stayed somewhere different. Every place I went was good, but every place was strange and different. Different families. A different bed. A different road to get there. A different church. A different way back to the next week of work, the next week of camp.

I like routine.

I like knowing my schedule, and being able to move within it as I please, to disappear when I want and return when I want, to know the lay of the land and where to run into certain people.

I like control.

But this summer, I didn't know what the coming weekend held. A lot of times I didn't even know where I would be staying a few days from then.

It always worked out beautifully. Because... in Aaron Shust's words, "It seems You're aware of so much more than I give You credit for."

I was always uncomfortable with it.

But it meant that I did a lot of praying. (And a lot of worrying.) And then a lot of more praying about my worrying. And then more praying. And then praying thanks when I had a place to go and when it was good.

At college, on the other hand, I have a meal plan.

I have a schedule. A backpack full of schedules. A syllabus to mark out the coming months of my life.

I have an apartment where I live, every day, all year. A plastic card that I swipe to get in.

It's comfortable.

And I forget to pray.

Forget that the meals that I eat here every day are provided by God just as graciously as the meals that were fed to me by almost-strangers all summer.

Forget that having a bed with my comforter on it and my pictures hung around it, and not having to pack everything I own once or twice a week and move, is evidence of God's provision as much as the couches and floors and beds that He gave with all my worrying.

And it is fitting to give thanks for these steady blessings just as much as the surprise ones.

May my mealplan not be excuse for ingratitude.

Second, denial.

One thing we discussed was that we don't like praying for God to change other people when we can see that they're being sinful because... well... you know... sometimes we do that stuff too. So... if we just don't pray for Him to change them, then we don't have to pray for Him to change us either, right?

Other way denial comes in works like this in my mental dialogue.

I have problem x.
I should pray. And get other people to pray.
If I pray, it's serious.

Therefore... obviously... if I don't pray, it isn't serious?

My brain is messed up.

My whole self is messed up.

Hence why I need a Savior.

So what are the mealplans and denials in your life?

At the right hand of the Father
Enthroned in majesty
Sits the perfect Son of God and Son of Man
And the hands He lifts in prayer for me
Still bear the marks of Calvary
And through those hands the Father bids me come
So I will boldly go
Before the throne and there bow low
And plead for mercy, grace and peace
On the merits of my great High Priest
Yes, I will boldly go...

[Gene Helsel]

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Grace

These days, I'm thinking about grace.

I'm working on developing a character named Gras Chwerthin -- grace-to-laugh.

I'm praying for more grace in my life, because I'll often say words fast and sarcastic, or unthinkingly, and not make sure that they all point to him.

I love songs that speak of grace. Right now, especially Lifehouse's Breathing. Last year I had them hung on a wall in my room. This year they just echo in my head.

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now


I wonder, when I realize that I do not know how to accept help offered some times, when I am confronted with the fact that it is necessary and good to accept love as well as give it...

How do I do that?

Is there a way to accept grace gracefully?

Or do we always grab onto it with desperate greedy fingers?

Sometimes it is more easy to live in the grace, to live in a piece of shalom, because it makes sense right then and fits and the world hums softly, strings in tune.

But then when something happens that opens a rift in how things should be, it is like being dragged underwater until I can't breathe, cannot see.

So what then is the proper response to the grace He provides?

How do I model the assured confidence that His grace that His grace has never let go of me, that He always pulls me out of the waters that wash over my head...

...and also the gasping gratitude that clings to the lifesaver, gulps in the oxygen, and falls at the feet of the Rescuer in extravagant worship?

I don't know. I don't have answers to these questions.

So I'll wait. And ask Him more questions.

And tangle my fingers in His grace and goodness.

Beneath Your fingers
The wood glows
Grains grown patterns and light catching in it
For You are the Master Craftsman
And in You
We live
And move
And have our being.

So what of the trees
That once grew green
And provided sanctuary
For those who hid in their leaves?
What when the storm came
And lightening struck
And all was left in shattered
Blackened
Charred
Ruin?

We still seek Your hands
With the thunder and wind
To come searching through
And take out Your tools
With Your drawn-out plans
To rebuild us again.

So what of the wood
When those You entrusted
With delicate tools
Grow careless and harsh?
What when they pound
And scar through the grains
And only
Gashes
Are left?

We come back to You
The One who first knew
And run to Your arms
And cry out for healing
That Your word would sink in
And close up the broken.
That the jagged ends
Would not be left splintering sharp.

So what of the dust
That has spilled from the gouges
Covering the surface
On which we live?
What when our hearts
Crumble in pieces
Can we say
Father
Forgive?

We stare in Your eyes
And find the reflection
Mixed with Your dreams
Of who You have made us
And it is more
And it is good.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Older Sisters

It's almost three hours we've been talking for now, three hours that stretched long and hard, me silenced and unsure of what to say. The hours stretched over two days, over a table with benches and a bridge that we dangled feet and shoes off of, a pavilion and a bench and now a bench in a shelter, watching rain come down, or the possibility of it coming. I don't remember which it was, now.

It seems like it should be raining and grey. The stories are all broken and weary, and I look at her face when I dare and marvel at the wrongness of it. She's barely the age of my youngest brother, and this all hurts for so many reasons, but her face and her voice say that she doesn't let it hurt, not any more.

I guess that I wouldn't either.

I still wonder how we connected, why she decided that I'd be the one she'd talk to there. Because when I thought back on it, I realized that she had been my small shadow even in the days before I especially noticed her. And it is right, but I didn't know at the time where my attention should be, and I wonder how she did.

Somewhere in there, both of us giving and both of us taking and both of us reaching for a place where it is safe to say these things, I must have asked something.

Maybe it was something like, What do you need?

Her answer came clear.

"I wish that my older sister would just talk to me about it."

I'm not her older sister, I can't be that.

"She's been through the same stuff and I just want to know how to deal with it."

And my heart cracks all over again, sadness at so many things in this sad story.

And I agree with her.

When I was younger, I thought being the oldest kid was the best. No one to boss you around. No one's shadow to fall under, no one's reputation to live up to.

And then I came to college... and it wasn't long in at all, interacting with older students, that I thought...
Wow.

God has been gracious in giving me, a few years later than I would have liked it perhaps, a number of girls who I consider "older sisters".

And so I in turn seek to find out: What makes someone a good older sister? I have four younger siblings, two of them sisters.

I have begun to ask. Girls with older sisters: What did she do well? What do you wish she had done? Girls with younger sisters: What do you do? What do you wish that you had done?

The conversation sometimes fizzles away into awkward, uneasy looks, or a few short sentences. But sometimes it's all love and memories, wrapped up with heartache. Sometimes it's raw pain and warnings to do better.

Here is the answer I seem to have gotten most: Be there.

For me, it's been having someone saying,
"...you're not alone...
...I know where you're going, and it's not that far...
It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run...
You'll get there in time."
[Jars of Clay]

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why I Do What I Do.

We slammed our bodies into seats, backpacks onto the floor, all in a rush of exchanging last minute greetings and reminders before our test in Augustine today. Hey! How're you doing? and Epistemic authority is someone who knows what they're talking about, moral authority is one that lives it out -- to be a good authority you have to be both. And I got teasing about not being at the Reformed Campus Ministry presentation last night -- yes, I hung signs for it, yes, I ran into some of the guys coming out from it, and yes, I was doing something else.

Keith turned to shut up both me and Matt as we semi-argued about it. "I know how to get her there, how to make sure that she comes."

"No, you don't," I said.

"Yes, I do," he insisted.

"Nuhuh."

He grinned. "I'll get Professor Miller to come speak..."

There was a second while my brain thought of our humanities professor -- who I loved -- but it's hardly failsafe. Then I realized who he meant.

"She loves him," he added.

"YES!" I said, rather loudly. "I WOULD COME!"

Poor Matt, he had no clue who we were talking about, and our exclamations of "WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS??? HE'S AWESOME!" hardly helped.

But I thoroughly recanted as Keith continued to list more and more ridiculous scenarios of things I'd miss to come hear him speak.

The truth is, though, I wouldn't necessarily miss all those things to hear him speak. I do love hearing him, and I have great respect for what he says. College has been an exercise in figuring out which things to make time to listen to, though, because there is not enough time to listen to everything that could be good and beneficial to listen to.

I'd go to see him.

I'd go because I love him, because he changed my life with his Missionary Preparedness Test of unquestioning, prompt, cheerful obedience for a year.

I'd go because of him.

It's a point that made its way into my head as we read through John in staff devos at camp this summer, one that I have blogged about before. Following.

Following is relational. Discipleship is relational. What I will drop schoolwork and other responsibilities for is, ultimately, relational. To this day, as a junior in college, I'm pretty sure that the latest I've ever stayed up doing homework is three in the morning. (Which, granted, is late.) But I do not even have a count on the times I've stayed up past that with someone else, or the times someone else has stayed up past that with me. For whatever reason -- because we needed to talk, because we were having fun, because we just didn't feel like being in our own beds, in our own rooms, alone.

It's something I've come to pinpoint as the driving factor what I will or will not do -- what are the relationships that drive this? (Useful if you want to understand me, I guess...) It's not always the only factor, but it tends to be primary.

And that makes it hard to answer why questions sometimes, the questions of friendship. Because, in the end, I can only answer by saying that it is about communion.

But it's legit. Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. To bring us back into a right relationship with God. So we love God because He first loved us and love others because of the same reason.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Not-Real and Real

Lately I've been listening to a lot of music by Sandra McCracken. At first listen, her music does not always have the most polished sound. Or something. I'm sort of an atrocious music critic, because what sells me is the same thing that sells me on a movie: the story.

And her songs have story.

I've especially been appreciating her song Lock and Key.

You can hold your world inside
You can scream out loud
Or you can fight these enemies
And kid fears tonight if you want to

You can drive your car out to L.A.
You can lose yourself just to make your way
You can change your mind
Or change your name if you want to

But you're under lock and key
All by yourself
And sometimes you just need somebody else

I cannot read your complex mind
I can't understand
All the reasons why
But if you let me in, I can try if you want me to

And I can say I'm sorry if you wanna hear it
It might be too little too late, my dear
I can't take back the pain of all those years, but I want to

But you're under lock and key
All by yourself
And sometimes you just need somebody else

If you want someone by your side
I could build a bridge
Across the river where we can
Wash these broken pieces downstream...
Do you trust me?

But you're under lock and key
All by yourself
And sometimes you just need somebody else

Sometimes you just need --- somebody else.


I feel like that's the song of my semester. Please note that it really has been a great semester so far. My classes are great, or at least easy; Dag is going well; I love all three of the girls I live with, and C1 is around. My college world is pretty great.

But I've also been smacked in the face (very lovingly, of course) over the past year or so with the fact that I have trust issues. Maybe we all do, but I don't have to deal with everyone's, do I? It can be pretty well boiled down to a few things, namely, hubris and fear of vulnerability. Oh, I love people, and I love getting to know people... but only to a point.

When that becomes me asking for help, I'll shut down a lot. Which usually works fine for my purposes, because I think a lot of people are content to not be asked for help.

Yet sometimes I do need someone else.

So my friend Elaine and I talked a lot recently about this sort of stuff. We both have a lot of miserable memories of things that we failed on, decisions that we second guess and break with sadness at the consequences and wish that we could have done differently, could have known more, could have...
something.

Some days it seems like both of us breathe in rhythm with the pain of the Newsboys' song Elle G: "Every old demon/ playing back a crime// If they'd needed blood/ I'd have gladly given mine." But there are costs that you cannot pay, however much you're willing to. You can't change the past, the decisions that you made, or that other people made.

It's a variant of what I term the "what-if game". And it is deadly and destructive, poisonous and addictive, so easy to see someone else doing and tell them to snap out of, so hard to snap myself out of. It seems so innocent. But it strikes at the very root of who He made us to be. It whispers, You did badly. You are bad. You can say, "I just want to consider what I could do differently if the situation comes up again." Yeah right. It is a self-bashing that is a denial of the sovereignty of God, and a time when I need to preach to myself, as John Piper calls it.

A time when I need to hear the words of John...

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. 24 Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us. [I John 3:16-24]


Whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart...

That is easy to say, hard to believe.

It's hard to believe the truth, to reject the lies.

Suzanne Collins concretized it nicely in her book Mockingjay:

Peeta's sitting in a circle with the soldiers from 13, who are armed but talking openly with him. Jackson has devised a game called "Real or Not Real" to help Peeta. He mentions something he thinks happened, and they tell him if it's true or imagined, usually followed by a brief explanation.

"Most of the people from Twelve were killed in the fire."

"Real. Less than nine hundred of you made it to Thirteen alive."

"The fire was my fault."

"Not real. President Snow destroyed Twelve the way he did Thirteen, to send a message to the rebels."


Sometimes you just need somebody else.

Somebody to say Real or Not Real.

"I wasn't ready," I cried out to Elaine.

"You were," she said.

We're both right. In the specific situation that was under discussion, there was a lot that would have been beneficial for me to know. But there was no way for me to have known it, to have known that I needed to know that... no matter how many layers I take it back, there wasn't another way. And she is right, because for me to say that I was not ready is for me to challenge God's timing. Don't I believe that He is sovereign? That He knows best? That He put me where I was, with all my ignorance and naivete, for His own purposes? Maybe His purposes were not what I thought they were.

Ouch.

And she added, "You only remember when the stakes are high and you failed. You don’t ever remember the ones where the stakes were low, or when the stakes were high and you succeeded. You only remember when you failed and the stakes were too high to do that."

Because I am naturally contentious (which she may have been taking slight advantage of), I pretty immediately started coming up with situations where the stakes were high and things worked out without all the collapsing brokenness.

Know what? There were a lot of them. And some of them were huge. And my guess is that we tend to know way more of the situations where everything went wrong and we fell short than the ones where it was enough. The It's a Wonderful Life phenomenon.

And it's something to wrestle with, because I don't want to pass off my mistakes as fated. I want to give all that I am to being faithful, to living faithful.

But I am also called to heal and be healed, to make things right and to be made right. To trust Him and to trust the people He has put around me.

To be content to be human, finite and fragile.

So I work on learning to sing another song by Sandra McCracken, Now and Then
Stay with me now and then
From all sides hem me in
Sing me a song
So I can close my eyes


and in church today, we sing Zephaniah 3:17.

And I remember.

And rejoice.

And trust.

And it is good.

Yahweh your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness;
He will quiet you by his love;
He will exult over you with loud singing.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Seeing Him

So, there's this video on youtube that I can't find right now. It was really cool. It was about how the world would look if we had special glasses that let us see what people were really thinking when they say things like, "I'm fine". The point being, of course, that we miss a lot of the needs around us because we don't look carefully enough to see.

Today I've been thinking about what life would be like with a different kind of glasses.

Ones that let us see God's grace.

What would it be like if we could really see how good He is all the time? If we really grasped the depth and extent of His unmerited favor that He saturates us in?

It makes getting to know people worth it. Because you generally have no idea of how they manifest God's glory until you know an awful lot about them, about where they have been, about what they have grown out of.

I was thinking about it today during chapel as I was trying to figure out why I enjoy being with one of my friends so much. And it finally dawned on me: Because every single thing she does shouts to me that God is faithful. Her entire life is a testimony of God bringing beauty out of cosmic brokenness.

How different is that for any of us?

But I don't normally focus on that. Not even in myself. I don't go around thinking, Wow, the fact that I just took a breath is a proclamation of where God has brought me from. (Which it is, especially after I failed at breathing for ten minutes.) I don't remember, This is amazing, and I have no inherent right to be able to worship my Creator freely.

So here's the challenge: Get to know people. Look for the glory. And rejoice in it. Find ways to tell them, I delight at seeing God in you.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Dangerous Idea of Academic Faithfulness

As background to this post, my college is very fond of a book called The Outrageous Idea of Academic Faithfulness. I haven't read it yet, and maybe I should, but I keep seeing the title since my one roommate has it laying around.

Today in Sunday School we were discussing prayer (also a staff focus at camp this summer) and how it works with being a college student and especially how it interfaces with being busy. And in the midst of this discussion, I began wondering if Christian schools shoot themselves in the foot at this point. You see, I understand that classwork is important. And academic integrity, yes, is important. And academic faithfulness also.

But maybe, maybe, for some of us, the idea of academic faithfulness is no longer outrageous and sometimes it dances too close to idolatry and that is not faithfulness, not when it crams our minds and hearts and souls so that we feel that we do not have time for devotions and do not have time to truly rest because

honestly

something else always needs to be done.

I don't know how this change comes about. I am sure that there are still people who need to be reminded that we are students and that is important and we have a responsibility to be faithful stewards of the gifts (mental, physical, financial) that God has graced us with.

But...

I wonder...

What about the outrageous idea of truly seeking first His kingdom... and His righteousness?

Because our calling isn't to be faithful to academics. And we are small and finite and forget that and would rather pretend that it is.

Instead, my heart needs to remain in the focus of the ring-engravement...

Faithless to None, Yet Faithful to One.

And all else will come in its proper place, and all shall be most well.

Monday, August 23, 2010

How to Not Hate (by way of Dallas Willard)

I'm reading The Divine Conspiracy again. (Yes, Griffin, you may laugh now.) I read it in high school and I don't think I was terribly fond of it at that point, but I must have been impressed more than I realized, as I've been thinking about it a lot over the past year.

Anyway.

Here's a section that I read today and I really, really liked it.

When I go to New York City, I do not have to think about
not going to London or Atlanta. People do not meet me at the airport or station and exclaim over what a great thing I did in not going somewhere else. I took the steps to go to New York City, and that took care of everything.

Likewise, when I treasure those around me and see them as God's creatures designed for his eternal purposes, I do not make an additional point of not hating them or calling them twerps or fools. Not doing those things is simply part of the package. "He that loves has fulfilled the law," Paul said (Rom. 13:8). Really.

On the other hand, not going to London or Atlanta is a poor plan for going to New York. And not being wrongly angry and so on is a poor plan for treating people with love. It will not work. And, of course, Jesus never intended it to be such a plan. For all their necessity, goodness, and beauty, laws that deal only with actions, such as the Ten Commandments, simply cannot reach the human heart, the source of actions. "If a law had been given capable of bringing people to life," Paul said, "then righteousness would have come from that law" (Gal. 3:21). But law, for all its magnificence, cannot do that. Grateful relationship sustained with the masterful Christ certainly can.

We learn this in our discipleship to Christ.

Seek first the kingdom, and His righteousness...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Postmodernism (now there is an aspiring title!)

I started college with a major in philosophy and dropped it to being a minor pretty quickly, because I learned that philosophy in college wasn't the same thing at all that my friends and I called philosophy.

Which was a bit surprising, but okay. I still get to do what I love to do, even when I find the process a frustrating. (I was going to say "a bit frustrating", but I already said "a bit" in the sentence before, and it wouldn't be true, as my roommate can attest. I get very frustrated with philosophy classes at times.)

Anyway.

My particular area of interest in philosophy is postmodernism. I could talk about it all day, but I'm prone to writing long posts anyway.

But just to give fair warning on what I think postmodernism is -- and yes, I do think that I have qualifications to offer an opinion, because I am someone who has grown up in a postmodern culture and been taught to think a lot -- here's what I wrote this spring in my "personal engagement" paper for my class on Postmodern Philosophers. It's a good three or four pages, sorry about that.

Abortion, the Berlin Wall, and Postmodernism

There is a small red notebook that ends up in various places in my room. The first page of it is the beginning of a list, a list words to describe what postmodernism is about. The list says simply, “Postmodernism is about: honesty, brokenness, openness, survival, trust, connectedness, truth, beauty, fun, freedom, words, power, games, tradition, exploration, invention, creativity, utility...” There is space for the list to continue as I continue to learn about what postmodernism means and how to best describe it.
Defining postmodernism is a tricky business, for a number of reasons. There are always a lot of differences between the written philosophy and how it is lived, and all the more so when it is a current philosophy, still splintered into a thousand fragments, and without the benefit of time and space to figure out what the core of it is.
“Postmodernism” as commonly used means many things, and it depends from what viewpoint one is looking at it. There are the more scholarly philosophical viewpoints: postmodernism is incredulity towards metanarrative, as Lyotard defined it. There is the popular current Christian viewpoint: postmodernism means that everything is relative, avoid at all costs. Or there is the way that I have been learning to see postmodernism, a complicated patchwork of many things, tied together with searching. Postmodernism is a search for wholeness, for genuineness, for answers. At the same time, it is undercut by its reluctance to accept answers and its deep suspicion of commitment. We may ask what the cause of postmodernism is, and why it caught on to become a widespread philosophy, overtaking multiple generations. How was there such a radical shift from the assurance of the enlightenment that man was the ultimate answer, that we could do anything we chose, to the relentless questioning of young people shaped by the postmodern culture which they grew up in? To understand the importance of postmodernism in my life, there has to be an understanding of the forces strong enough to lead it into being a popularly accepted attitude.
One suggestion for a date to mark the beginning of the postmodern age in the Western world is 1973, when abortion was legalized in the USA. In his book Postmodern Times, Gene Edward Veith explores another date, with the claims of Thomas Oden that the modern age ended with the fall of the Berlin wall in 1989.

Either one of these embodies pieces of what postmodernism is, although in very different and, in fact, opposite ways. 1973 probably serves better as the single reason why postmodernism became such a trend, as it prepared the mentality of the Western culture for the worldview to be expressed six years later in Lyotard’s book The Postmodern Condition.
To the generation growing up after 1973, legalized abortion has been nothing short of a genocide -- a genocide which those who are now college aged have survived, but are nevertheless drastically impacted by. Over 20% of the population conceived since 1973 has been aborted. From current available statistics, somewhere over 45 million -- closer to 50 million -- abortions have been performed in the United States since then. To grow up knowing that you live in a culture where this goes on openly, in a manner protected by the government of one of the world’s superpowers is profoundly disturbing. Regardless of what other messages are being received by generations of children who are becoming adults, there are those of diametrically opposed forces. These forces are not merely intellectual niceties, but, quite literally, life and death. To grow up in a culture which encourages children by saying, “You can do anything when you grow up,” a culture which thinks so much of children’s self esteem that it is a major issue what color of ink is used to grade papers is one thing, and perhaps not necessarily a bad one. Children ought to be valued, though not idolized, and Scripture itself maintains a careful tension of portraying the blessing and the challenge which children are. But how can this sort of attitude be reconciled with the sudden sickening knowledge that a kind of silent, government-sanctioned genocide of your peers has been going on all of your life? It can effectively be argued that a culture wide form of something similar to schizophrenia is the result of the abortion practices which have now spanned over a generation. This, in turn, creates fertile ground for the postmodern worldview to flourish and exposes the shortcomings of postmodernism as a comprehensive system of understanding reality.

It doesn’t take much thought in such a culture to realize that there is major hypocrisy going on in the world around you, and from that point of knowledge on, there is a dramatic loss of some blend of naivete and innocence. This whole-sale, violent sundering of what ought to be trustable leads to deep skepticism about what else may be trusted. If your own country will do this, if mothers will kill their own children, what is a sure foundation? And why is this barely mentioned? Why is this not listed along with other genocides throughout history, ones which, horrible as they were, killed millions less?

The seeds of postmodernism, of incredulity towards metanarratives, find a place to grow beyond what could have been imagined by the early postmodern philosophers in these and other coming-of-age questions.

If the legalization of abortion in America highlights the environment in which postmodernism caught on, what exemplifies the good in this philosophy? As mentioned earlier, Veith reports that Oden believes that modernism ended when the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled. In terms of positive events of postmodernism, the Berlin Wall is an attractive option. It grew out of what was essentially a metanarrative, that of the Soviet Union’s bid for world power, forcibly imposed on a country. It separated a country from itself, breaking what should have been whole, offering death and struggle instead of dynamic exchange of life, as belongs in a city. Yet, in good postmodern fashion, its “necessity” was rebelled against, as people sought ways to circumvent it, and it eventually was taken down. It is especially telling that it was communities, regular people with sledgehammers and chisels, who came to knock apart the actual physical wall. At the same time, it is sobering to realize that there were many countries who did not want the wall to fall, fearing what would happen if Germany was united again. With all of these factors, the struggle for freedom and the accompanying tensions of responsibilities, the physical concrete wall bringing to life political ideology, the images of regular people and communities coming together to peacefully protest and bring the downfall of Communism, the fall of the Berlin Wall is a powerful poster child for the good traits of postmodernism.

Into this context I came, born in the year abortions in the US peaked, the year that Germany officially reunified. For anyone born in those years, there is no question about if we will engage postmodernism, only how we will do it. James Smith addresses this issue in his book Who’s Afraid of Postmodernism?, attempting to take on the questions of how Christianity relates, and how it ought to relate, to various early influential postmodern philosophers. This was a fascinating topic for me, because I see a huge need for this sort of work. I became interested in philosophy largely through the work of Francis Schaeffer and similar wrestling with Christianity and culture that was modeled throughout my life. As I near the end of my sophomore year in college, I have been finding an increasingly strong call on my heart for missions in the Western world, in the near Appalachian, “Stillers’ Country” towns where I grew up. I am contexted as a person in many different cultures and many sorts of language games: that of a transracially, special-needs adoptive family, a college student, a lover of languages, a Reformed covenant child. Trying to mesh all of these pieces can be an interesting challenge at best and an utter mess at times! Thus, any thoughtful book on how Christians are to live faithfully in such a complex context grabs my interest from many angles.

When talking about Derrida and Lyotard, Smith focuses on the storied-ness of the world, and that is something that I have no problem with. Maybe it is my own inherent skepticism, but I do automatically believe that everyone has an angle. There are always stories to listen to in order to understand people, and stories between the lines of what they are saying to understand who they really are. The church is called to a delicate and difficult position of proclaiming that we do have truth -- and not just a truth, but Truth itself. This truth isn’t the hard verifiable scientific facts that modernism so adored, and which Christianity has at time sought to make it. Too often, with the best of intentions, Christians have focused only on I Peter 3:15 and being ready to make a defense and forgotten that this defense is to be so woven into the fabric of what we do and how we live with those around us that it cannot be refuted. The reason comes after and because of the relationship, that Jesus came into a specific geographical place and historical time and saved us. It is not the power of our logic which convinces people, but the reality that the story which we bear witness of reflects. Christians need to be unashamed of presenting the whole story of the Bible, with its struggles and ugliness, despair and pain, overwhelmed with the joy of the glory of the end greater than any other story out there.

In his chapter on Foucault, he suggests that the church recover classical disciplines to counteract the negatives influences from our culture. Too often we are shaped, he points out, by forces and powers that are not what we as Christians want to be defined by. We are not to be like the worldly culture that surrounds us, obsessed with fitting in through the fashion of clothes which we wear; rather, we are to be marked by being different, a people set apart to service and self-sacrifice. While I don’t agree with all of the specific applications of his ideas which Smith makes in this book, I think that there is much to be said for his principle. Postmodernism makes no move to deny this, either. According to postmodernism, you never escape all of the constraints on you. The most for which you can hope is to be aware of what is influencing you and perhaps have a choice in what you are influenced by. On this point, not only are Smith and postmodernism in agreement, but Jesus affirmed this truth long before postmodernism was sweeping the globe. In Matthew 6:24, Jesus expressly told his followers that they could not serve more than one master. The actions that we do, no matter how small and innocent they may seem, bind us irrevocably. Postmodernism blows the whistle on hypocrisy that professes otherwise. And while the church could complain that it is too often the target of such criticism from a postmodern culture, we need to first address the problem of hypocrisy which we do have and repent. We are supposed to be different from the world, and it is sad when secular culture has to point out to the church where it has gone wrong.
How exactly do all of these varied pieces impact my life? First of all, understanding various facets of what postmodernism means is essential to living wisely in and influencing a postmodern culture. What I am studying in college to do is not a professional field detached from my personal life, but is, in large part, studying how people think and learning to better understand what the Bible says so that I will be better equipped to communicate truth into the broken world that I live in. I am not outside of this world with its brokenness, either, and postmodernism does not pretend to be an ethereal escape from this. Instead, postmodernism provides a straight look at the problems surrounding us and asks bold questions about why things are this way and if they have to stay how they are. As a Christian, I have a responsibility, even in the midst of all my own shortcomings, to live answers to those questions and be prepared to verbalize what I live.

~~~~~~

That is not exactly how I'd write on the same things if I was writing a post, but I don't think that I have enough readers at this point to merit rewriting.

But here's my basic premise: Yes, there are a lot of people in postmodernism, who have grown up in it, etc, who are apathetic and use the cultural mindset as an excuse to not care. When haven't there been? Postmodernism at its best is an eager search for truth, for something better than the hypocrisy that runs rampant in the world.

...questions? comments? If you read this far, I'm mightily impressed, and definitely interested in hearing your thoughts.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Following II (and Leading)

One of my favorite activities at camp is the Challenge Course, where we facilitate the groups of campers going through different challenges... point being, that they have to stretch themselves and work together. Afterwards we have a "debrief" where we discuss what went well, what could have gone better, what they should take on to the next challenge. Some of the challenges are on the ground, some are thirty feet in the air, and there is a progression in height (and physical trust!) thoughout the day. Hopefully. When things go well.

Sometimes things do not go well and they argue and they are silent and they don't seem to learn anything and counselors go back to main campus at the end of the time and lay on the porch and moan. And we sympathize a bit with each other... and try it again the next week.

One of my favorite elements is called The Wall. It's pretty simple. It's a wooden wall that is about ten or eleven feet high and the point is also simple, to get the entire team over it. There is a platform on the back side where a few people, once they've been gotten up, can stand and help others get up.

Debriefing for The Wall one morning led to a discussion on mentoring.

The challenge was so much easier to overcome when you were not doing it on your own. It was so much easier when there were people at the top to pull you up and over and it wasn't your own strength. (I'm a girl. I can attest to the truth of that fact!)

However, you couldn't just get to the top and abandon those who were after you. Everyone in the group had a responsibility to take their turn at the top of the wall, helping yank, tug, jerk the others behind them up over the edge of the wall. And some of them ended up with good bruises to show for it, sore muscles.

But they did it. All of them got over, and all of them were safe, and no one was left out, and no one was left behind.

So we talked about how life is like that, how there are huge challenges. And sometimes, sometimes, someone is extremely strong and athletic and can haul themselves over it. But everyone can really use people around them to help them get a firm place to stand on and people who have already gone through something similar to wait for them a bit and pull them up.

And how, once you've gotten over, or through, or past whatever the challenge is, the point is not always to run as far away from it as you can and go on your own merry way.

Sometimes it means waiting patiently for someone else who is coming the same way and giving them everything you've got so that they can keep going, too.

Another way we talked about mentoring a lot, a picture that was used in training both staff and campers, was that of Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy. That we need to, like Paul, have a Barnabas -- someone who is on our same level, going through the same things, who we can relate to and share with. We need a Timothy, someone younger than us (and that may be in age, it may be in maturity, whatever) who we are faithfully training up and showing them how they ought to live. And we need a Paul, someone who is challenging us, who we play Timothy to, someone who is teaching us the next step. (If you want to read more on this metaphor and how it should play out, here is an article.)


Mentoring ought to happen naturally in families. It has for me. I learn from my parents, I get to teach my siblings. As I've grown older, I have also gotten the opportunity to see it happening more places. It happened short term all over the place at camp; duh, I was a counselor. But for the most part, those were not long-lasting relationships. We lived together for a week and then said goodbye and that was that. The ones that I really consider mentoring are the ones which have been built over the course of years. Some of those have been in real life, and some of them have been online.

Real life is preferable.

Online can be beneficial. I'm not denying that deep relationships can be built that way. But it is so, so much easier to hide. If you don't want to talk to someone, you just don't log on. They can't see your face and hear the tone of your voice.

That being said, God can still use them for incredible things, especially with time and honesty. There are times when there are not a lot of people around to run to and someone can be found online and you can say, Hey, I need you to pray for me. Hey, can you talk for a while?

And I know that you have just read a decent-length post, but really, if you've stuck with it so far -- read this too. It's worth your time.


That is what I want to be to those who I mentor, and that is what I want when I find good mentors -- to follow them around, literally, and learn what makes them tick, and how they react under pressure, and what makes them laugh, and what they get angry about. One of my college profs is like that. (We'll joke that we are getting a major in Biblical _______ and a minor in Dr. _______.) Imagine the opportunity when he gave a "Last Lecture" this spring, of the things he'd want to tell us if it was his last lecture...

I've had friends like that. They probably get tired of me following them and reading the back entries of their blogs and listening to them when they are half-coherent. But I want to know: How do they act when they are exhausted? How about when people tell off-color jokes? Or when they see people who they were friends with years ago? How about with their families?

This summer one of the counselors was very good at loving discipline of campers. And I wanted to record how she responded to tough campers, and copy her techniques.


So how about you? Thoughts? What questions do you ask when deciding to follow someone? How do you feel about mentoring?

Final thought: Is mentoring a duty for Christians? ...how about if we call it discipling?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Following



It was the same thing that He had said at the very beginning.

Follow me.

And things had changed, He had changed the man's name early on, nicknaming him, calling him Rock instead of He Has Heard.

And Peter had followed Him for three years, everywhere He went, seeing Him do miracles and shine in glory and he confessed Him Christ, the anointed one.

Peter was always fast to talk, and it makes me wonder if his mother despaired at his name having to do with listening. Really.

He was fast to speak up till that last night, when he said, all offended? seriously? that he would never deny. Maybe everyone else would, and would run away, but he would not.

And then he did.

Three times.

And saw Jesus and knew his sin and wept.

How do you recover from that?

Even if Jesus said you were forgiven, would you believe?



How about in the years to come, when He would no longer be there to run to, for Peter to look into His eyes again and reassure himself that the forgiveness was real?

So I read John 21, curious to see how He would restore and recover and redeem and reconcile. Because He is wiser than I am and I struggle with these things, so I want to learn from Him.

He asks for Peter's love, three times, and Peter is grieved. Once for each denial.

And He warns Peter of the future to come, the hardness in it, that it will not be any easier than the past. That the past was only training for what will come.

And then He says --

and this is what I noticed for the first time --

Follow me.

The same thing He said at the beginning, when they were still fishermen catching fish.

That has not changed.

Peter's world has changed entirely, turned upside down and inside out, and he will fail again in the future and be rebuked by Paul, and he will ask again in the next two minutes about John, wanting to know what will happen to him, but Jesus and His call are not changed by any of this, and never have been.

You follow me.




We did, as a group, as staff at a Christian camp, reading through all this in John. Talking about what it means and what it means for us.



And His call doesn't change for me now, now that I am back at home or when I go back to school or when I am graduated or wherever I go. Or when I deny Him by what I do and what I don't do, what I say and what I don't say. When I am stupid and argue over things that should not be argued over, when I hurt others and when I break myself beyond what I can repair.

His claim on me stays the same.

And it is good.



Follow me.